I Give Up

Love is a funny thing. Some people jump in with both feet. They are more than satisfied not knowing what will happen. Some people wade in slowly, testing the waters and then easing in a little bit at a time as their comfort grows. 

Me? I swan dive. Face first. Every time. Sometimes that water can be pretty shallow and I wind up nursing my injuries. But other times, the water is so deep, you wish you could hold your breath forever. And just as quickly as I dove in, I can jump back out if the temperature changes.

When I have a job, I’m absorbed. I do everything I can picking up tasks the second the first is finished. I find things to do that no one knew needed to be done. I organize. I clean up. Then I try to make things easier or better. And if I work from home, I am a slave to the “one more minute” theory. It’ll just take me one more minute to finish this email. Two hours later, I’m still working. 

Books. I devoured books as a kid. Then there was a long stretch of time where I didn’t read at all. I like to refer to this as the zombie-parenting era. In the past few years, I’ve picked them up again. My bookshelves are overflowing. My husband is complaining. Thankfully, he bought me an ereader or I would start stashing them in any open space. 

This is me. I get addicted. I obsess. 

The good news is…I know it. 

We try to hide the characteristics we don’t like. We deny them. We don’t let them come out. But I find that the more I discover about myself, the more I have to find a way to like that quality. Somewhere along the line I stopped trying to fight my personality and now I work with it. I no longer try to change everything, I embrace it.

There is only so much you can change. There are certain aspects of ourselves that are simply rooted in our personality. Figure them out. Learn about yourself. And then see the positive. 

If you are told to build a cabinet, it’s easy if you have wood, nails and a  hammer. But if all you are given is some dinner plates and a hot glue gun, you’re going to have to figure out a new plan. 

MacGyver did it. So can you. 

 

 

The One Where I’m an Idiot

I’m an idiot.

Okay, in reality, my trying to foster the right type of mood for the writing I was working on was headed in the right direction. I consider myself pretty self-aware and know what changes my moods. Like my sister and a good friend both mentioned in the comments, music can be very influential. I couldn’t agree more. Music has soothed my soul for as long as I can remember. Even before I can remember if you want to go by my mother’s account of the excitement I expressed when John Denver would come over the radio.

On Monday I was way too chipper. The weather was sunny and fairly warm. I had lots of errands to take care of and the day went way too well for me to flip the switch to somber. Tuesday didn’t look any better. I was starting to hunt for the right CDs to edge me into a darker tone. Maybe I could draw the blinds and eliminate some of that glorious sunlight. 

And then…

Then the rain came. The gray, chilly rain. This seemed promising.

You might be wondering where I realize I’m an idiot. It’s about to happen.

I put on my favorite sweatpants. I make a cup of tea. I grab a blanket and the remote and get comfortable on the sofa. I found a movie on the Sundance channel that I had missed once before and as I watched, felt the clouds gathering over my head. Then it hit me…MOVIES. All my life I have wanted to act or have some involvement in the entertainment industry. Just like reading a book, you are watching a story unfold in front of your eyes. Your emotions are manipulated by what you are seeing and hearing. When I leave a movie theater, I feel like I was a character. My mood is fully enveloped in what I’ve experienced.

How did I not think of this first?

Between the rain and the movie, I felt myself sliding down a slippery slope to gloom. I opened my laptop and the words started to flow. New ideas struck in intervals along the way; the lightning that sparked my character into motion. It felt good to get all those scattered thoughts I had been having come to fruition.

I’m not sure if I’ll have to wait to be wholly inspired to work on this piece again, but at least I know what can nudge me into the right state of mind now. The facepalm from not using what I’m so passionate about in the first place was enough to knock  the sense into me. 

 

Brewing a Storm

Recently, I started writing something I didn’t expect to write. I was thinking and my thoughts seemed like an nightmarish movie playing in my head. I wanted to get rid of it so I did what I do to cleanse my thinking palate, I put it on paper….well, sort of. My thoughts poured out out of my fingertips, furiously typing to drain the storm cloud over my head. When I finished, I had what seemed like a few pages of a good idea for a book. 

Rainstorm Over the Sea by John Constable

I tucked it away in my documents folder for another rainy day. It’s been a few weeks and lately I’ve been feeling anxious to work on it. More ideas have been stirring on how to shape it and where it will all lead. The inspiration is brewing, but what I really need is another storm.

Every day brings different emotions in varying depths. Whether I’m up or down or pensive or dreamy shapes how my writing develops. However, never have I intentionally looked for a dark mood to come to create an intensive writing environment. This week will be my trial. In the past few years, I’ve made it a habit to wake up deciding to be happy. So, this week, I’ll decide to be sad. Sad and morbid with my heart heavy.

It’s a path I haven’t taken before, but I’m interested to see its effects on my project and my life. It should be a strange week, but hopefully a productive one.

I’d love some advice from other writers on how you “get in the mood” to write darker pieces.

Know Your Story, Know Yourself

My blogging has dwindled because my writing has dwindled. I have put everything on hold to find a steady job instead. Notice I say steady because freelance really isn’t when you’re a novice. However, to help myself, I asked for a voice recorder for Christmas which I’m dying to use. My husband though he was buying me a device to help me remember things like grocery items. Bless his heart.

Why would I be so practical?

My objective was to be able to be more free in my writing. It’s been difficult to allow myself time to write when I have other priorties looming. When I finally find time to sit and focus, I have to hope that I’ll be exorbitantly inspired in those few moments and hammer out some thrilling work. I think it’s safe to say we all know that inspiration has no intention of being convenient.

My brain would rather write as I speak, so this recorder could be the key to me producing more organic writing. I can carry it in my purse and whenever an idea arises, I push one button and blather on until I’ve gotten it all out. Then when the time comes to sit down and write, I already have the material. All that’s left to do is transcribe. It may be more work in the end, but I think it’s a smart way to get more quality writing.

Discovering the ins and outs of what works for you is integral to creating successful writing. As writers, we get to know our characters or topics or plots, but we should never neglect to get to know more about ourselves. There are factors that we can manipulate to get the best from ourselves like the time of day we work best, or what our environment includes. A quiet room or a park bench can have different influences on what we are working on. Realizing that a voice recorder could help me get my ideas down sooner should be a big help to my time management.

Now I just have to find the time to learn how to use it.

Pushing Boundaries

Let’s just ignore the fact that I haven’t blogged in ages. Deal?

Deal.

Moving on…

I’ve been trying to push the boundaries of my comfort zones in different aspects of my life. With any task, I can usually go only so far and pinball around in my own small space of familiarity. I ricochet off the same ideas over and over. But, how long before I hit TILT?

I’ve always fancied myself a bit of a chameleon. I take bits of what I see and know to help myself evolve. The problem is, I’m not finding my own way. When I recently started a project journal, I decided to stop allowing the lined pages confine me. I’m varying the size of my print, the margins and using words to carve pictures. For every little step across a line, I feel a little more liberated. And also a bit more inspired.

Creativity is something I always envy in others. Whether it’s writing, art, cooking, fashion, anything really. I’m always thinking, I wish I had that ingenuity. Now, I do think that this is not always a learned thing. Some people are just born with that door open. However, I don’t like limits and I do believe that you can be taught, conditioned, to a certain degree.

So this is my current self-improvement project. Pushing my boundaries. Letting my brain forget about common practices and finding what works for me. I’m hoping to pick up some forgotten art projects to give me a push in the right direction. That was actually one of my wants in a previous post. And as an update, numbers 2 through 7 I’m doing well with. I’m still working on 1 and 8.

Even if your goal is to write, exercising your mind in other areas helps you branch out. If I can pick up an old craft project, I can look at it and see how to make it better. I can dig in and clip here, add there. The same goes for my writing. Editing is like pruning the rose bush. Or adding a red stripe to that abstract painting. And the more I push my creativity, the better that final product is going to be.

*Please feel free to share how you boost your creativity in the comments. I’d love to hear your ideas!

Ink Stains: An Ebook Review

I’ve told you before about author Lara Zielin when I reviewed her book Donut
Days. Well, when she asked me to review a new ebook, Ink Stains, which she
compiled with eight other authors, I jumped at the chance. Between these
authors they have more than 25 published books, so it’s only natural that they
would have some great advice to share with other writers.

The career of a writer is often an uncertain one.

Will I ever be published?

Will anyone buy my book?

Is it even worth the effort?

We ask ourselves a million questions and doubt ourselves a
million times. Rejection and criticism can hail down on the delicate surroundings
we’ve built with our words. It’s hard to stay motivated and focused when
there’s a cloud of doubt raining over your thoughts. So, let Ink Stains be your
umbrella.

With each author’s contribution, you’ll gain insight into
dealing with some of the most common worries that writers have. Questions you
may have posed to yourself, they have asked themselves already. Bumps in the
road? They have had the same ones to cross. Topics like the time spent on your
work, how to handle the criticism from editors, writer’s block and even how to
answer the ever-popular question “Am I a writer?” is addressed.

Each entry is told in a conversational tone, so it’s like
you are sitting with the author in a one-on-one interview. All of which are
easy to relate to because these are real people with the same problems every
writer has experienced. Whether you have already published, or this is the
first time you are putting pen to paper, this is a great read.

Ink Stains isn’t a tell-all novel with every tidbit about
writing you have ever wanted to know. It’s a quick read with honest opinions
and personal accounts from published authors. After reading it, you’ll feel a
renewed inspiration for your writings. But make sure you keep it on a nearby
shelf because picking this up every so often for a reread just might do wonders
for your progress.

Done Waiting

It was 2 weeks ago that I posted about how I need to step up my game. In writing and in life.

So, did I do anything? Am I all talk and no walk?

Yes, I did and no, I’m not.

Wait…you get that, right?

I started with a movie. I took myself to the movies. I went to a matinee to see Hangover 2. There were about ten other people in the theater, so I got to stretch out and get comfortable. (I’d like to add that matinee is prime time because if you heard a whole theater laughing, you may have missed half of the jokes as they were layered in one after another.) While I usually bring my own snacks in my oversized purse….ssshhhh!…this time I bought myself a snack and drink there. Hey, if no one else is gonna splurge on me, why don’t I do it? I spent two hours in worry-free bliss, relaxing and laughing.

A few days later, I treated myself to some new summer clothes. Nothing extravagant, but a few bright colored things from Old Navy perked me up a bit.

This week, I took my kids to the local zoo. Not a big city zoo, but a local one where we can still walk around and enjoy the day outside. The kids had a great time and I was at ease allowing them to run around and watching them ooh and aah at every little creature.

Tuesday. Tuesday was a big day. I took my son to the Philadelphia Museum of Art. My quest to spend more time in the city has begun. A bit nervous on the drive in, we made it there with no problem. I only freaked out mildly when I found out I couldn’t park in the usual parking lot in front of the building.

WHERE DO I GO?!!

Street parking…ugh. We found a spot, and the bonus? I didn’t have to pay for parking. Score one for me.

And even though the residual effects of the stress tainted my stomach for the next two hours, I managed to suck it up and make the most of the day with my son. We strolled. We admired. We wondered. He received several compliments on his hat; he has a fedora he loves to wear. There’s something elating about seeing your child beam at random compliments. We even marveled at our favorite room…The Armor Room.

All in all, I think I’m on the right track. The past two weeks gave me a boost and I feel like some life has been breathed back into…well…my life. I’m definitely going to take myself to the movies more often. And finding things to do outside with the kids will be a priority, as well. There are a bunch of playgrounds nearby. Maybe that will be next week’s fun.

What are YOU doing to live a little more? Let me know!

What AM I Waiting For?

I’ve felt a bit stalled. And stale. With my writing and with my life. I’m busy hunting for jobs. I’m running errands and cleaning house. The fun factor is very low right now. Not that life is all games and nonsense, but my personality requires a certain level of me that’s running on empty. And when I feel like this, I gravitate to this:

I was lacking in inspiration last night, and a very cool Twitter friend, Jason, gave me a hand. We played a little word association game to help each other get some ideas going. And in the process, I ended up being inspired by inspiration. The ridiculous word combinations reminded me to have fun with my writing.

I also felt a little push to my outlook on my life, as well. I’ve been feeling like this summer is going to be a big deal for me. Like things are going to happen. Nothing grandiose, but maybe some serious change that will be for the better. I’m also vowing to be more of me. The girl that wants to enjoy what she does whether it’s working, being at home, or going out with friends. Or even by myself. I want to go into the city more…that would be Philadelphia. I realized it’s a shame that I’m not enjoying what the city has to offer when it’s so close. Maybe I’ll get over that whole “I hate driving in the city” thing.

I want to write more. I want to have a good balance of work coming in that will include jobs that allow me to use my personality to enhance my writing. I’d like to pick up a gig as an advice columnist. I give a lot of advice. And it’s usually well appreciated. I have an ability to talk to people and see a problem from every angle. Maybe even start my own advice page to see how it goes.

So, off into the wild blue yonder…errr…interwebs? I go! And then into the yonder stuff. I’m not waiting any longer.

10 Minutes of Random

When I was in school, we had this writing exercise to do. I can’t remember what class it was because I think it may have been in middle school, long before my Creative Writing class. We were given ten minutes to just write. Don’t plan it. Don’t think about it. Just write. Whatever is in your head, let it spill out onto the paper. Don’t worry about what you are saying. Forget grammar.

Just. Write.

So, I was in the mood. I needed to do something different. I recalled this little exercise and I wrote. Well, I typed. I typed for 10 minutes. It isn’t very long. I paused a few times…I’m out of practice.

*shrugs*

And this is what came of it. I didn’t edit because if I had done it with pen and paper as it should have been, I wouldn’t have done so:

When I watch a movie or show that has to do with art, artists or any art related topic, it goads me to inspiration. But, I don’t always know what to do with that inspiration. Ideas are suddenly bubbling in my brain and it stews, but it doesn’t always produce something useful. Unfortunately, I enjoy the random creative thoughts more than the organized sensible ones most of the time. I have this vision in my head of me having a room in the house where I spend creative time. I paint, draw, write, craft. I take photos or organize the ones I have. Grand waves of the things I could be doing with my time undulate in front of me. My arms reach out to orchestrate the projects in front of me. And yet, I’m not sure why I never get started. I feel like maybe I’m in limbo by being unemployed. The thought of not having a steady paycheck is jarring to me. It’s an earthquake that occasionally shakes me into reality. These ideas, these dreams…they will never come to fruition without money. I mean, where are we without money? We need money to live, eat, survive. I need the security of a scheduled paycheck to be sure that I can do the things that I want to do. Why do I feel like I have to suffer for the paycheck to enjoy my free time? Will I ever find a happy medium? Is there even a slight possibility that I will find a way to support my family and still love what I do. Still feel the passion for my work and wake up every morning excited about what comes next?

Perserverance is Exhausting

The past few months I have been spending a lot of time job hunting online. I’m searching for various jobs to piece together enough freelance work to create a substantial income. I don’t need to make six figures. I just need to pay the bills.

In the meantime, I’ve gained immense respect for freelance writers. There are numerous sites for writers to post their details and look for opportunities. I have been signing up on many, but it seems a full time job just keeping up with every page. I spend time hunting for jobs here. Then I look for more there. Check my email for responses to my inquiries. Hunt some more. Write some articles. Scour lists of needed articles. Edit, edit, edit. Check the email again. How do they find the time?!

I’m neglecting my blogs. I’m falling behind on all the reading I want to do.

Whoa! It’s time for dinner…find something to cook. Dishes, laundry. Buzz around the house to get some chores done.

I’m being productive!

Can I just go outside and enjoy some nice weather?!

The good news is, I’m learning a lot. I’m finding more opportunities and slowly crawling towards an actual career.

The bad news is…there is a very long road ahead of me. And I don’t have a fast car to get me there any quicker.

And so….I perservere.