I Give Up

Love is a funny thing. Some people jump in with both feet. They are more than satisfied not knowing what will happen. Some people wade in slowly, testing the waters and then easing in a little bit at a time as their comfort grows. 

Me? I swan dive. Face first. Every time. Sometimes that water can be pretty shallow and I wind up nursing my injuries. But other times, the water is so deep, you wish you could hold your breath forever. And just as quickly as I dove in, I can jump back out if the temperature changes.

When I have a job, I’m absorbed. I do everything I can picking up tasks the second the first is finished. I find things to do that no one knew needed to be done. I organize. I clean up. Then I try to make things easier or better. And if I work from home, I am a slave to the “one more minute” theory. It’ll just take me one more minute to finish this email. Two hours later, I’m still working. 

Books. I devoured books as a kid. Then there was a long stretch of time where I didn’t read at all. I like to refer to this as the zombie-parenting era. In the past few years, I’ve picked them up again. My bookshelves are overflowing. My husband is complaining. Thankfully, he bought me an ereader or I would start stashing them in any open space. 

This is me. I get addicted. I obsess. 

The good news is…I know it. 

We try to hide the characteristics we don’t like. We deny them. We don’t let them come out. But I find that the more I discover about myself, the more I have to find a way to like that quality. Somewhere along the line I stopped trying to fight my personality and now I work with it. I no longer try to change everything, I embrace it.

There is only so much you can change. There are certain aspects of ourselves that are simply rooted in our personality. Figure them out. Learn about yourself. And then see the positive. 

If you are told to build a cabinet, it’s easy if you have wood, nails and a  hammer. But if all you are given is some dinner plates and a hot glue gun, you’re going to have to figure out a new plan. 

MacGyver did it. So can you. 

 

 

Ramblings

~Most people live life on the path we set for them. Too afraid to explore any other. But once in a while people like you come along and knock down all the obstacles we put in your way. People who realize free will is a gift, you’ll never know how to use until you fight for it. I think that’s The Chairman’s real plan. And maybe, one day, we won’t write the plan. You will.

~ The Adjustment Bureau

This movie gets my wheels turning. What I like most is that it can be interpreted in different ways. I’m not particularly religious and while this movie hints at a nondescript divination, it doesn’t necessarily make that the focus. The focus is more on choosing your own path and it stirs me in so many ways. And watching Matt Damon and Emily Blunt together, I think they made a surprisingly convincing argument as a believable pair of regular people finding that intangible “something” in each other. The type of connection that is brilliantly clear from the first few moments and couldn’t, or shouldn’t be severed.

Love or no love, choose your own path. Make your own roads. View things from your own perspective and if you don’t like what you see, change your course. Whether you believe that your life is predetermined or not, you do have the power to make your own decisions and even if they don’t turn out the way you want, there are many other turns in the journey ahead that can lead to what you are looking for. Or better yet, what you didn’t know you were looking for.

Anti-Resolutions

I’m not really a New Year’s resolution maker. I never have been. I don’t like the pressure of assigning tasks and having people ask if I’m keeping up with them. It’s none of their business if I’m losing weight or being nicer to people than I was last year.

However, the insanity that we designate as “the holiday season” always makes my life a tornado of activity and I forget what my daily routine used to be. So, when the new year has arrived and the gifts are put away, I take a look at what I need to do with myself. “Setting goals” sounds much more promising than “keeping resolutions” to me. And since I have already assigned myself to a path of self-improvement, adding some new goals doesn’t seem like such a chore.

This past year, I read 25 books. I decided that’s not enough. The amount of books I want to read is astronomically high. As in, I really hope I can read in the afterlife or I will never read them all. This year, 35 sounds pretty good. I’d like it to be higher, but I think being realistic is more important at this point.

Continuing my exercising and eating habits is in the plan, of course. I’ve been successful with it, so let’s keep that on the clipboard as a “to do”.

I think my biggest goal ahead of me is better time management. I’ve always been so good at it professionally. It’s one of my best attributes. I need to apply that talent to my everyday life at home. I get the important things done, but I don’t seem to allow enough time for the things I want to do. More reading, more writing, more blogging, more fun time with my kids…all of which I feel like I push to the side for things like dishes and laundry. Balance is important to maintaining happiness. Not just your happiness, but that of your family, too. The people around you will be better off if you are content with the life you are living. And who doesn’t want to make the people they love happy, right?

By the way, thanks for coming by again. I know I’ve neglected this page, but I’m thrilled to return and keep it up. I’ll keep coming back if you will. And while you’re here, let me know what your “anti-resolutions” are for the year.

I Want, I Want, I Want

Last week we went to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. I didn’t do anything. I relaxed. I laughed. I moved in slow motion.

It. Was. Sublime.

I went thinking, I’m going to read and I’m going to write and be productive in the most awesome of ways!

But, I didn’t read…or write. I watched this:

 

So, mostly, all I did was admire. And think. And I thought, What the hell do I want? What am I doing?

This is what I came up with, so far, in no particular order or necessity:

1.) I want a job. An honest to goodness, pay me regularly and not scraping for work or hoping this gig will last kind of job.

2.) I want to improve my posture. What? There’s nothing wrong with that. My shoulders are always so tense…I need to push them down. I’m working on it.

3.) I want to make some stuff. Ok, maybe this one isn’t completely specific, but with my impulsiveness in mind, this could include crafting, drawing, painting, redecorating and/or papier mache. Well…not papier mache. You get it.

4.) I want to be healthier. This one I revisit frequently. I’m exercising. I’m eating better. I’m a work in progress. I feel motivated with this one.

5.) I want to learn Spanish. I know Spanish fairly well. I read it better than I speak it. I’d like to be able to speak it without thinking twice. My best guess is this will include a lot of verb conjugation for me to master. Maybe after that…Italian. Too ambitious?

6.) I want to kick Anxiety’s ass. ‘Nuff said. Prognosis looks good.

7.) I want to soak up as much as I can. Knowledge. Movies. Music. Life. The point here is to absorb, not just admire in passing.

8.) I want to be a guest on the late show with Craig Ferguson. Okay. I know. This is completely outlandish and pointless. Maybe it’s why I put it on the list. Maybe I need something so unreachable to keep my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground. People are famous for nothing these days…anything is possible, right? I just REALLY fancy an awkward pause. (If you don’t know what that means, I suggest you watch the show.)

There are my thoughts. Don’t worry, I don’t charge for them. Not even pennies. Feel free to comment with your own wants. It feels good to put them in print. It also helps you feel more encouraged to go out and get them.

 

 

Writing S’more About Memories

We made tacos for dinner on Friday night. Tacos are always fun and messy so it was a good meal. Not just in the “warm your belly” sense, but also in a “warm your heart” kind of way as we joked and spilled and passed the fixings around.

After dinner, my husband brought in some wood for the fireplace and we decided to make some s’mores to top off the night. This being the first time we made them in the fireplace, we weren’t sure if the kids would be able to sit there and cook the marshmallows. My son lit his marshmallow on fire. My daughter decided her face was too hot. It was then my job to cook them all and the kids would take care of the real work…eating them.

I pierced the sugary glob and rested the stick in just the right spot for even browning. As the flames danced around, I started to lose myself in the thought process of describing everything I was seeing. Between the colors and the movement, my brain was getting a workout and I thought about what might make a good post later.

Then I started to drift off. My mind wandered down a path of memories instead. As a kid, when we had backyard barbeques, the kids would roast marshmallows over the charcoal when dinner was done. We took orders from all the family members. How many? How well do you like them cooked? It was a task we took seriously.

Without realizing it, my memories swirled and curled, dreamily, like the smoke rising from the fire. I had visions of my grandmother snacking on nearly burned gooey goodness that almost always ended up on her shirt. We were all sticky messes by the end of the evening, but our bellies were as full as our hearts. It was not unlike the taco dinner we just finished.

Then I realized, falling back to these moments proved to be a much better exercise than watching flames flit about a pile of wood. The fire was just the backdrop.

Suddenly, I was snapped back to reality when my husband said, “You really just like doing that, don’t you?”

Babe…you are so right.

Unapologetic

For years growing up, I wondered how I would figure out who I am.  What do I want?  Why am I the way I am?  I tend to live my life on the edge of my emotions.  They swallow me up and swirl me around until the next emotion comes along.  It’s like traveling by tornado after tornado.  The pounding hail of anger.  The spinning winds of elation.  The soaking rains of sadness.  They fill me up; they tear me down.

I’ve finally learned to embrace this quality. Some people go through life hiding their feelings.  Denying what makes them who they are to put on a mask and appear different to the faces looking back at them.  I go through life hanging on to every moment.  I’m influenced by every experience.  For all the fun, love, hardships and heartache I’ve been through, I’ve held on to it all and let it steer my steps to my future.  The good and the bad have special places in my soul where they linger swimmingly and occasionally rise to the surface.        

I’m not outrageous.  I’m not dramatic.  

However, I am empathetic.  I’m impulsive.  I’m unapologetic.  I like this about me.  I feel like I’m experiencing life even if I’m not traipsing from country to country backpacking.  I savor any food or drink I consume.  I leave movies feeling like I could have played one of the characters.  Every song has a meaning to me, some deeper than others.  If you ask for advice, you’ll get my honest opinion.  Not one that’s walked over eggshells first.  Don’t worry, I’m considerate of others’ feelings.  I even put myself in your place best as I can before giving my two cents.  Some may think I’m odd, or intrusive, or even naive, but my experiences are what they are because other people’s experiences were meshed with mine.  I’m just as interested in others as I am my own life.  

The best part is, for everything I look back on in my past, I look on it fondly.  Even the lowest of the lows.  It’s what has shaped me.  What has helped me get to this point today.  If I had denied myself the pleasure of passionate feelings, no matter how blissful or dismal, I may not have seen the lessons.

What’s the point of the oversharing today?  Don’t just live your life…love it.  And if you don’t love it…change it, find a way.  It’s the only one you’ve got.

9/11 In Remembrance

I think every generation has at least one occurrence that brought them to tears as a citizen of this country.  The kind of event that they say, “I remember where I was when that happened.”

I was in a meeting at work.  A regular, monthly meeting to discuss the issues our department was facing, achievements and such.  I remember returning to my desk to find people milling about and looking solemn and nervous.  Then my supervisor walked up the aisle to announce that while we were in our conference room, the Twin Towers had been hit. 

I didn’t know anyone that worked there.  I didn’t even know anyone in the New York area.  I took my scheduled break, a bit stunned, and walked down to the cafeteria.  Televisions were lined up playing the news stories and I stopped to watch.  As I stood there, unsure and shaken, I prayed.  I prayed for the safety of the airline passengers, grim as their outcome was.  I prayed for the thousands of employees in the building.  I prayed for the citizens of the city in and around the buildings.  And I prayed for the good people trying to help them all.  And as I prayed, which is not a common thing for me to do, I cried.  I stood and watched and cried.  And even as I type these words, the tears well up once again.  Never had I felt so concerned, so yearning to help and so utterly helpless all at the same time.  After sufficient exposure to the incident, I wandered, in a daze, back to my desk. 

There’s no answer as to why.  There’s nothing that will satisfy our questions.  To this day, if I watch any show detailing what happened that day, I sob uncontrollably.  Even the Challenger explosion had not affected me to this extent.  Seeing a tragedy like this is earth shaking.  I cannot even fathom the fear those people experienced or the hopelessness they faced. 

So, to remember this day, I send my loving prayers and thoughts to each person affected by this day.  The families, the friends, the strangers.  All of us.  All of you.  My heart hurts on this day every year to think of the lives that have been lost.  And it fills with joy to know that we came together to help each other get through it with love and understanding and empathy.  Please remember this day always and forever.

Discipline, Talking and an Afterschool Special

In the spirit of school starting, I think this post’s lesson should be about parenting.  I’ve seen some discussion lately about parents and the different ways that they discipline, or don’t discipline their children.   My favorite being the following:

http://rockonmommies.com/paris-hilton-was-an-undisciplined-child/

As our kids grow up, we really hope that we’ve done right by them and they won’t end up some sad story on the nightly news.  It is hard to decide if the actions we take when they misbehave are going to be beneficial in the long run.  It’s essential to be able to say no to your kids.  So I would like to follow up on the above video with the next step after discipline.  Sometimes,  it is the actions we take after the scoldings or punishments that are what create the foundation for a solid future.

Part of being a parent is talking to your kids.  They aren’t just a small person that wanders around the house attempting to break one of your rules.  You brought that child into this world to love, support and one day send off to live his own life.  Unless your intention was to provide a nanny with a job, I think maybe some interaction is required on your part. 

I am under the impression that many of the problems kids face could be solved with some genuine conversation with family.  Let’s be real here.  I’m not talking “afterschool special” conversation.  You don’t have to get out the milk and cookies and a reference book.  All I am saying is show your kids that you do care about what is on their minds and talking about it shouldn’t be an uncomfortable situation. 

I have always been very open with my son, who is now 10, about many topics.  Example 1, two girls in the neighborhood keep pushing him off his scooter and then when they get it, they don’t give it back.  He’s afraid to do anything because he doesn’t want to push a girl.  Ok, so I don’t have the perfect answer for this.  But, we talked it out.  We tried to figure out some options.  Point being, he felt a little better afterwards.  Example 2, for years there has be a certain nearby store that we pass that is for, ahem, adults only.  For ten years my son has never noticed this store…until there were protesters outside with signs that say “Pornography Hurts Our Children”.  How ironic.  So, as I am driving by praying he didn’t see them, he asks “Mom, what is pornogra..what does that say?”

*facepalm*

Ok, sometimes we are gonna have conversations we don’t want to have.  If you can put on a brave face and an even tone, you can show your kids that they can come to mom or dad with anything without feeling embarrassed.  That’s the real lesson here.  Just asking how they feel once in a while can be beneficial.  School is approaching.  Ask if they are nervous, excited or scared.  Let them tell you what they think and give them advice if they are unsure about starting school.  Get them to look at the big picture to show that even though things may be tough one day, other days will be better. 

Do you remember what it was like to be a kid?  Were you afraid to raise your hand to ask a question in class?  Did you feel confused in health class?  Did you loathe having to change in front of classmates in the locker room?  There are LOADS of embarrassing moments for us to choose from.  If we can remember those times, we can surely help our kids get through them knowing what we know now. 

Maybe we don’t have all the answers, but just being there to say “I understand” can mean more than you realize. 

Another Year Older?

It was 33 years ago today that I was born.  And 32 birthdays have come and gone and I’ve realized that while maybe I didn’t appreciate them all, I certainly do now.  Maybe I was a skeptic from the very beginning…

Is it really necessary to celebrate every birthday with cake and presents and lots of people?  Or is it better just to enjoy the day like it is any other and not think about being a year older?  If you have kids of your own, it might be easier to see why celebrating a birthday is special.  If you don’t, I think I can give you a few reasons.  I look at my kids and think how grateful I am to have them.  Their birthdays mean the world to me because it’s another year gone by that I have gotten to spend watching them learn more, do more, live more.

For me, it’s also a reason for our family to get together and see each other.  Our large family means we see each other at least once a month to celebrate a birthday.  If it wasn’t for birthdays, I don’t know that we would get together more often than just holidays.  I credit a large part of my happiness to the fact that I have a close family and I try to keep it that way.

Most importantly, it’s another year gone by that you’ve gained a little wisdom (hopefully), a little experience, and maybe something great has happened.  Maybe looking back on the past times in your life will inspire you to do something new in the next year.  Your birthday doesn’t have to be just another number.  It should be about you, your life from birth…

through childhood…

through adulthood.  We all experience good and bad things, but if we can take the lessons we learn and move on, we can consider ourselves successful in life.  You shouldn’t try to measure your happiness on a number or what job you hold.  We can’t turn back the clock to relive the ease of being ten years old, or the fun of being 21 again.  Finding the joy in your birthday is looking back fondly on what you did, but being able to look forward to what is to come. 

If Only He Knew

As school approaches and I ready my son for fifth grade, I think back to what life was like when I was in fifth grade.  The social realm really started to open up that year.  Liking boys and walking to the local Burger King with friends were top priority.  Cliques started to develop.  What you wore and how you looked started to be much more important than it ever had before.

I look my son and think, if only I could tell him.  His sweet, kind demeanor may be in for a shock this year.  I have already noticed the difference in the friends he hangs out with in the neighborhood.  We recently moved to a new home in January and he still feels a bit conflicted about which kids he wants to call friends.  It seems to me that he expects his “friends” to never say a bad word and be constantly knocking on the door for him to come out and play.  But, it doesn’t work that way, I tell him.

Sometimes they will say things to be hurtful.  Other days, you’ll be picked first to be on their football team.  I try to explain that so many friends will come and go over the years.  The best you can do is enjoy the fun and try not to take too much to heart.  Having a conversation with a 10 year old requires a short delivery if you want their full attention.  If only I could tell him all the great things I look back on now, and that I’ve forgotten the bad things. 

If only he knew all the things that I know now.  But then how would he ever learn it for himself?